Happy New Year!

It's a fresh new year, and the first day of a new semester, so I figured I'd try to get back into the blogging swing of things. I was actually feeling pretty good about being ready for class today, getting to work on time with everything I needed, etc., until lp (seriously, we need a new name for her, so THINK, people!) called at 8:30.

"My ride hasn't come and the bus has already gone by and I can't reach anyone on the phone and I'm so sorry!"

So I did what any parent would, and grabbed my keys and headed out the door. On the way there I called her dentist to cancel today's appointment and reschedule, and also called the doctor's office to make appointments with them for good measure. But the dentist can't see her until March. I have an appointment in February, but I can't transfer it to her because kids and adults see different people in that office. "She has a HOLE IN HER TOOTH," I say, also dropping in the words "infection" and "abscess." They promise to squeeze her in the morning of the day I'm there (which will be oh so convenient, two trips to the dentist on the same day) and to call me if there are any cancellations before then.

She came flying out the front door as soon as I pulled up, still stumbling over all her apologies and frustration at being late for school for the first time, like, EVAR, and how everyone's going to be staring at her which SUCKS, and why didn't her friend answer the phone anyway? I had her in slightly better spirits by the time we parked at her school and went inside. Once in the office, I went for the sign-in book while explaining that we had transportation confusion this morning, so sorry, etc.

"But there's no school today," the helpful office person said. "We don't come back from break until tomorrow."

Well! That would explain why lp's classroom, which she pointed out to me, was dark. And I suppose all those cars in the parking lot are for the teachers (who we passed in the auditorium) doing their in-service day.

lp and I had a good laugh over the whole thing, but the rub is that this kind of mistake, oversight, miscue, whatever - this kind of thing makes me nuts. Not just because I can't stay on top of her schedule (though that's mildly embarrassing to any parent) but because in the end, no one else is responsible for it. My dad was in town recently and he was saying that the great joy of grandchildren is not just that they're wonderful and you love them, but that you get all of the pleasure of being with the child and having a relationship, with none of the responsibility. Oh, sure, you're responsible for their safety when they're with you, and for their transportation on your watch, etc. But when they're not with you, it's officially Someone Else's Problem. And I have still not grown accustomed to the loneliness and enormity of being handed all the responsibility for lp. I have still not gotten over going from being one of two, of having a full-time backup, to where I am now. lp chipped her tooth a few weeks ago while she was with her father, and no one called me. No one else will schedule an appointment with the dentist and take her. No one will even ask if it's been done, or if I need them to call because there's just too much on my plate sometimes. And if anyone, lp or her father or anyone else, does ask it will usually be with an undertone of, "Why haven't you done it yet?"

I expect that undertone to be there for the rest of my life (just amplifying what was already in my head), and I have to tell you, it sucks. For everything that doesn't get done, or that falls through the cracks, or that gets overlooked or misunderstood or miscommunicated, for every failure no matter how big or small, there is only one person responsible for it. So I'm trying to teach her to be responsible for her world, to make sure she knows her school deadlines and choir schedules and paperwork. And I know I have so many people who help me, people who are thrilled when I delegate something to them. But I miss the impression, no matter how illusory it was, that I shared responsibility with someone else.